I’m not the kind of girl who says “the world is over,” about just anything. Seasonal red coffee cups don’t bother me, global warming is “probably avoidable but whatever,” and I don’t care if The Rock just up and decides to remake all of the Lord of the Rings movies starring him, directed by him, and with him in all of the roles.
However, as of this November, the world is over.
The fine people at Activision Blizzard Studios who make quests in World of Warcraft called “Like a Fart in the Wind,” will soon be bringing us movies and television shows.
Let’s consider a list of films based on things that are not story-driven, and sometimes just inanimate objects. Wasn’t Battleship a hoot? How about that great movie Super Mario Bros.? And what about that “fantastic” trailer for the new Warcraft movie with all of the quality (and plot) of a side quest.
They already have upcoming plans for a film based on Call of Duty in 2018 or 2019, along with a TV series based on Skylanders Academy in 2016. The question is: how can we stop this whole thing from happening?
I feel like this is the most corporate decision of all time. It’s like if McDonald’s, Thomas Kinkade’s relatives, Fruit by the Foot, and Uggs thought they had enough emotional backstories combined to create a totally radical movie studio. Sometimes you should just stick to what you do best, like fluffy boots or French fries.
The co-president of Activision Blizzard Studios, Nick van Dyk, said that they would deliver “action that fans expect from this franchise.” Couldn’t we just deliver that to ourselves without having to watch your inevitably bad movies?
Theaters are crammed wall-to-wall with enough garbage without us having to watch Successful and Meaningless Loud Action Movie About An FPS. Of course, they will make money hitting the demographic that still gets allowance and goes to the movies all of the time instead of their lame high school P.E. class. Or just fully-grown adults who have nostalgia for WoW since they can’t play anymore in their fully-grown lives. It all just makes me sick.
And the sickest part? I wonder what my price is. Which horrible Activision Blizzard game is going to tempt me to spend $10,000 dollars on a movie ticket, popcorn, and Junior Mints? Probably Guitar Hero, mark my words.
The future is bleak, the world is ending. Why couldn’t we just get a Velveeta movie studio and have a bunch of films about people making mac and cheese? I would prefer to watch two hours of someone stirring melted cheese and noodles in a pot than go see an Activision Blizzard film….and they haven’t even really released one yet. That’s how upset I am.